The Perfect Match
by Night Witch the Third
Summary: When the school does a personality type match up test for a dance, everyone in school suffers. Something goes wrong during the match up, and some weird combinations happen, with every kid being forced to go to a dance with someone they're not happy with. Stan doesn't see anything wrong until he's forced to go with Craig, and Wendy ends up going with Butters. Rated T for language
1. This Can Only End Badly

**This is a story that Sir Weston and I thought up together, so we are working on it together. We are both obsessed with dance stories and personality tests (I don't know why, but we are). And we also love the episode of Zoey 101 where they combined the two, so we wanted to do the same with South Park and watch the hilarity ensue. Enjoy. I know we will.**

 **Chapter One – This can only end badly**

PC Principal had been principle of the South Park school for at least three years now, and everyone could safely say that he was without a doubt the worst thing that had ever happened to the school. And he wasn't even sort of getting better. Everyone except Strong Woman hated him, and they all looked forward to the day when they could go to high school and forget about the asshole that was PC Principal.

So, no one was excited when PC Principal and Strong Woman called a school assembly to make a "very important announcement." It never ended well when the two called an assembly for an "important announcement." The last time they had a school assembly, a worm whole opened up and a handful of students were never heard from again.

"I have a bad feeling about this," Stan said as he and his friends took seats in the gymnasium.

"Yeah, they look way too excited," Kenny agreed, narrowing his eyes.

"All right, students," PC Principal said once everyone was settled down. "As you all know, the school dance is coming up, and I'm sure a lot of you have been freaking out over who you're going to ask."

"Not really," one student spoke up.

"We still have school dances?" another kid asked.

"Well," Strong Woman said as if they hadn't spoken. "We came up with a solution so this year, you don't have to ask anyone!" The entire student body stared blankly at them instead of applauding wildly like they had been expecting.

"Yeah, that bad feeling is getting worse," Stan muttered to Kyle, who nodded in agreement.

"Ok, listen up," PC Principal continued when he finally decided that no one was going to cheer. "We've set up a test online that asks you various questions about your personality. You know, a personality test. Just fill out the questions with your honest answers, and then a computer will compare your answers to everyone else's and just like that, you have a date to the dance!"

Again, nobody spoke following this speech. Then Craig raised his hand.

"How do we get out of doing this?" he asked.

"Oh, come on, this is going to be fun!" Strong Woman said. "This is your chance to meet someone new who shares the same interests as you!" Craig blinked at her for a moment.

"I already have a boyfriend," he pointed out with a slight hiss to his voice. "I don't _need_ to meet anyone new."

"Too bad," PC Principal replied. "And just so you're all aware, if you decide to take the test, once you get matched up with your partner, you have to go to the dance. Trying to back out because you don't like your partner will destroy their self-esteem, and if you try to not go, you will receive a month of detention."

The entire student body let out a groan at these words. No one got to voice their complaints though as the two ended the assembly and they were all forced to go home. Everyone was grumbling as they started getting out of their seats and making their way out of the gym.

"Well, I can safely say that I am definitely not going to the dance this year," Kyle growled as he exited the gym with his friends close behind him.

"I know, right?" Stan agreed. "I just got back with Wendy! Why can't I just ask her to the dance? These things are stupid enough without having to go with a complete stranger!"

"Aw, come on you wimps," Cartman sneered, slapping Stan upside the head. "It won't be that bad! Kenny and I are going to go!"

"No, I'm not," Kenny pointed out.

"Besides," Cartman continued, ignoring him. "If you really want to go with Wendy, just match your answers with hers and then you're guaranteed to go with her."

"Why on earth would you want to go, Cartman?" Stan wondered glaring at him. "You don't even like dances! Or girls!"

"It's because he obviously wants to try and go with Heidi," Kyle replied, rolling his eyes. Cartman whipped around to glare at him.

"Shut up, Jew!" he snarled. "I couldn't give a fuck about Heidi! I just thought with a personality test I could find the one person who is almost as awesome as I am!" Kyle cocked an eyebrow at him, obviously not convinced.

"I'm pretty sure whoever got matched with you would rather take the month of detention than go to a dance with you," Kyle told him. Cartman continued to glare at him, but didn't offer a rebuttal. Stupid Jew who could always see right through him and his motives!

"Well, you probably don't want to do it because you know you wouldn't get matched up with anyone," Cartman snarled back after a moment. "Or if you did, it would be someone totally lame."

"Whoa, didn't see that insult coming," Kyle growled sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "You want to try pointing out that I'm Jewish too?" Smug bastard.

"I guess I'll try it," Stan said before the argument could escalate. "I mean, I'm pretty sure Wendy's going to do it, she'll try anything, and I'd hate to see her go with some douchebag or something."

"So, you think your girlfriend would only answer the questions the way a douchebag would?" Kenny asked, cocking an eyebrow at him. "Wow, Stan. Really great thing you just implied there." Stan glared at him.

"I'm not saying that," he snapped. "They might steal her answers or something! Did you think of that?" Kenny shrugged.

"I guess I'll do it too," he muttered after a moment. "And only because I want to keep an eye on my sister! Not because I'm hoping to get a hot girl or something."

"How do you know your sister's going to go to the dance?" Kyle wondered.

"Because she's a young girl in her awkward phase who likes to go to dances, but doesn't like asking a boy to go with her," Kenny replied, rolling his eyes. "And now PC Principal's stupid test will give her an excuse to not have to ask someone."

"Yeah, I guess that's true," Kyle consented. They continued to walk on in silence for a long moment. Then Kyle had the sense that someone was staring at him, and he turned to see all three of his friends looking at him hopefully. He stared back at them in confusion. "What?" he asked. Their stupid grins widened and he frowned at them. "Oh no, I am not taking the test just because you guys are all doing it."

"Aw, come on, Kyle!" Cartman whined. "You know we're going to peer pressure you into doing it eventually, so why not just take the test now and get it over with?"

Kyle glared at him before answering. "Because I don't want to go to the dance," he growled. "Did you ever stop to think that maybe I didn't want to go before PC Principal set up this stupid test?"

Cartman blinked at him. "No," he replied.

"Oh, come on, please?" Stan pleaded. "I would have a lot better time going through with this stupid thing if I knew my best friend was doing it as well! And I have to go! I know Wendy's going to make me."

He continued to give his friend big, sad, puppy dog eyes before Kyle finally let out a sigh of defeat. "Fine," he snapped. "I'll look at the questions at least. But that doesn't mean I'm going to actually answer them."

Stan gave him another stupid grin. "I knew I could count on you, buddy," he replied.

* * *

"This dance is going to suck," Wendy complained as she, Bebe, Nichole and Heidi came out of the gym.

"Yup," Bebe agreed while barely looking up from her phone.

"I don't want to meet new people," Nichole added. "I had a hard time meeting the people I already know! Besides, I wanted to go with Token, not some random stranger who the principal says is perfect for me! He'll probably just be a black guy!"

"I thought you broke up with Token," Bebe pointed out, looking up from her phone. "You know, when that whole skank hunt thing started?"

"Yeah, but now I'm starting to regret it," Nichole sighed. "I mean, the whole thing was stupid. And it was stupid of us to get mad at all of the boys for the actions of one person."

"And I just got back together with Stan," Wendy said. "I don't want to go with some random person either."

"Then why don't you just not take the test?" Heidi asked.

"Because I know Stan will take it," Wendy sighed. "And there's no way in hell I'm letting him go to a dance with some random bitch."

"Well, I'm going to take it," Heidi told her. "Just so you don't have to suffer alone. I just hope I don't get paired with Eric. That would just be the worst." She shuddered at the thought.

"You're the one who dated him in the first place," Bebe muttered under her breath, going back to her phone. Heidi glared at her before whapping her upside the head.

Nichole opened her mouth to say something else, but she was interrupted by Red running up to them and putting an arm around her and Heidi's shoulders with a big grin on her face.

"Hey girls," she greeted them. "What are we talking about?"

"The school dance," Wendy sighed. "And how stupid the entire thing is."

"Really?" Red asked, blinking in surprise. "I think it's a great idea! I mean, think about it! This dance could be the chance to meet your soul mate! The person you are destined to be with, and all you have to do is take a simple test and go to a dance! You don't even have to ask them yourself! A computer does it for you!"

"That just makes it worse," Heidi grumbled. "I don't want a computer telling me who I should end up with! Especially a computer programmed by someone like PC Principal!"

"You guys are thinking way too hard about this," Bebe pointed out, looking up again. "It's just a dance, it's not like you have to marry whoever you get paired with."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Nichole sighed. "But I'm only taking this test because there's a good chance that I'll get paired with Token."

"As long as I don't get Eric, I'm good," Heidi said. "He's been trying to get back together with me for so long now, and he just won't take a hint. I certainly don't need a dance making him think we're perfect together."

"It can't be that bad," Red reasoned.

"I would rather take the month of detention than go out with Eric again," Heidi replied. Red stared at her in surprise.

"Maybe you should have thought about that before you…" Red didn't get to finish her sentence, however, because Heidi angrily turned and hit her upside the head as well. She certainly didn't need to be reminded all the time that she and Cartman used to date, and her friends didn't help with the matter. At least Wendy was sympathetic.

"I guess it won't be too bad," Wendy said, bringing the topic back on track. "I mean, it's not like we have to be glued with whoever we get matched up with. And it wouldn't hurt to at least look at the questions."

"Yeah," Bebe agreed. "I mean, it's just a dance! What's the worst that could happen?"

 **What's the worst that could happen indeed. That's where I'm going to end this chapter, and my sister will be picking it up in the next chapter. That's basically how we're going to do this. With us alternating. Anyways, tell us what you think of it so far and tell us who you think everyone's going to get paired with. So, in the meantime remember, when attacked by a gang of clowns, go for the juggler.**


	2. I Have A Bad Feeling About This

**Heyo it's my chapter now! Now we're going to see how Craig and his friends react to the test and what they think of this whole thing.**

 **Chapter 2 – I Have a Bad Feeling About This**

"This is so stupid," Craig grumbled as he, Tweek, Clyde, Token, and Jimmy walked home together, "I already have a boyfriend whom I was forced into dating. Why do I have to do it again?"

"You don't have to take the test, you know," Token pointed out.

"Yes, he does!" Clyde exclaimed, causing Craig to give him a bewildered glance, "We're all taking the test, so he has to as well!"

"Gah! All of us?" Tweek squeaked in fear, "As in, I have to? B-But I don't want to!"

"Too bad!" Clyde declared.

"Craig and I were just going to stay home that night!" Tweek objected.

"Too bad!" Clyde repeated.

"But I don't want to meet new people! What if I get paired with some nut job?"

"Too bad!"

Craig gave his friend a shove. "Stop stressing out my boyfriend!" he growled. Even though they had been forced together by the town, Craig and Tweek really did care about each other as boyfriends. Like when they broke up while playing super heroes, or whenever one of them became stressed or hurt. Though Craig wouldn't say he was in love with Tweek, he did care about him a lot. And he knew Tweek felt the same.

Nor would they say they were pretending to date. Craig knew that if Tweek broke up with him again he would be heart broken. He wanted Tweek to be happy, and Tweek wanted the same for him. And for now, they were happy with each other.

So why couldn't they just go to this dance with each other? Or not at all?

"It's ok, C-C-Craig and T-Tweek," Jimmy assured them, "We can all stick together t-t-to m-make sure everything is all righ… everything is all righ… nothing happens."

Both Tweek and Craig sighed with defeat. They could only hope they didn't get anyone _too_ terrible.

…

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman sat together in the living room of the Marsh house, looking over the personality test on their laptops. There were some typical questions that one would see on a test like this. But there were also very strange ones.

What is your sexual orientation? What is your favorite TV show? How would you describe your personality? What is your philosophy on life? What is your opinion on the token minority? (Note: there is only one right answer) If you could accomplish one thing in life, what would you want it to be? What's your favorite band? What's your favorite food? What's your favorite movie? How would you describe your ideal partner? What's your favorite color? How would you describe your ideal first date? What is your favorite activity? What's your biggest pet peeve? What would you say is your greatest trait? What's your favorite animal? If you were to devise a test to determine whether people were true soul mates, what would it entail? If you were to rate your love life as it is right now, on a scale of 1 to 10, what number would you choose? How tall are you? What's your sign? How many fingers are on your left hand? Are you left or right handed? Who is your favorite US president? You PC, bro?

Kyle blinked in confusion as he read over the questions. "'How many fingers are on your left hand?' Really?" he asked, shocked, "That's it, I quit." He slammed his laptop shut.

Stan stared in surprise at him. "Kyle? Kyle, wait!" he called, running after him. He grabbed his friend's shoulder just as he was about to storm out the door.

"Let go, Stan," he muttered.

"Come on, Kyle," Stan urged, "We all agreed to do this, remember?"

"But Stan!" Kyle whined, "These questions are so stupid!"

"I'll answer them for you if they're too much for you!" Kenny offered from where he sat next to Cartman on the couch. Kyle glared over at him.

"Don't you dare, Kenny," he growled, "You would just put a bunch of sexual stuff that I would never say!" Kenny gave him a shocked look.

"Who, me?" he asked, blinking innocently, "Why, I would never!"

"Will you guys shut up?" Cartman hissed suddenly, "I'm trying to think of how Heidi would answer these questions!"

"Why?" Stan wondered, "She dumped you, remember?" Cartman rolled his eyes.

"Yes, but if I get matched up with her, then maybe she'll realize the horrible mistake she made and get back together with me!" he explained.

"If you can't get matched up with her by being yourself, doesn't that kind of mean it wasn't meant to be?" Kyle questioned.

"Shut up, Jew!" Cartman shouted at him, "What would you know about it anyway? You weren't there when we broke up!"

"Yes, I was," Kyle pointed out calmly.

"Eh, screw you guys! I'm going home!" Cartman growled. He slammed his laptop shut and stormed out of the house with his friends staring after him.

"What's his problem?" Kenny asked.

"Seriously, Kenny? Were you paying attention at all?" Stan sighed.

"Not really," Kenny answered honestly.

…

Wendy, Bebe, Heidi, Nichole, and Red were at the park as they filled out the test. Red and Bebe were quite a bit more eager than the other girls as they typed away.

"I can't wait to see who I get paired with!" Red said ecstatically, "The person I get paired with could be the one whom I'm destined to be with forever! We could get married and have ten children someday!"

"Whoa, calm down there, Red," Wendy urged her, "It's just a little test. It's not even really that extensive. It's pretty basic, actually."

"Yeah, and you might get someone lame, like Kevin or something," Bebe pointed out. Red suddenly glared at her.

"Hey, I dated him for a while, you know!" she hissed. Bebe reached over and put a hand on her arm in comfort.

"Yes, and I worried about you every day," she said, "I thought maybe you weren't taking your meds."

Before Red could point out that she wasn't on any medication, Heidi interrupted.

"How many fingers are on your left hand?" she snarled, "Ok, Wendy, you're on your own. I can't do this."

"Wait, Heidi!" Wendy called, quickly leaping from her seat to go catch her.

As soon as they were out of ear shot, Bebe turned to Nichole. "So, which stud muffin are you hoping to get paired with?" she asked. Nichole stared at her.

"Token," she answered simply. She had thought she had made this clear the day before.

"I hope whoever I get paired with is a hunk," Bebe continued as if Nichole hadn't spoken, "So, you know, no losers. Someone hot, like Craig or David."

"You know Craig is gay, right?" Nichole pointed out, "He's dating Tweek, remember?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I can't still look fabulous by going to the dance with the cutest boy in school," Bebe objected.

Before any of the three girls could say anything more, Wendy returned with a pouty Heidi slung over her shoulder. "We're back," she announced, setting Heidi down. "Ok, girls, we're all in this together, all right?"

Heidi sighed heavily. "You're right, Wendy," she said, "I'm sure this won't be all that bad. What's the worst that could happen?"

…

Right after he left Stan's house, Cartman stormed over to Butters' house. As usual, Butters was quite happy when he opened the door and saw him.

"Hey, Eric!" he greeted happily.

"Butters, listen closely," Cartman told him in a low, serious voice, "I need you to do something for me, no questions asked." Butters tipped his head in confusion.

"Why?" he asked.

"I said no questions, damn it!" Cartman shouted.

 **I'm gonna end the chapter there, since my sister wants to have the rest of the characters, and I couldn't think of anything else for this chapter. Oh well. Sorry it was so short, but at least you have a cliff hanger to look forward to!**


	3. It's Just Going to get Worse

**Well, today I'm hoping to show you how some of them answered the questions, reveal what Cartman is planning, and throw in the goths just for good measure. I'm hoping to work on all of my stories as much as possible before my sister and I go back to work. We work at a small amusement park, and the first few weeks are just school trips, but it's hard work. Fun and rewarding, but hard.**

 **Chapter Three – It's just going to get worse**

"I can't believe my mom is forcing me to do this stupid dance thing," Henrietta growled as she, Pete, Michael and Firkle sat in Michael's room, looking over the personality test. "That conformist bitch thinks the principal is sooo wonderful! It makes me sick!"

"Of course, she does," Michael sighed, laying down on his bed and opening his own laptop. "She's a conformist sheep who only does what the man tells her to."

"Thanks for taking the test with me, guys," Henrietta said, earnestly.

"Of course," Michael replied. "We wouldn't want you to suffer alone."

Firkle had taken up a chair in the corner, sitting upside down with his feet in the air, because he was hoping he could take the questions more seriously that way. Pete and Henrietta sat on the floor at the foot of Michael's bed, with Henrietta leaning extremely casually on Pete, angrily pounding on her computer while barely glancing at the questions.

"This isn't working," Firkle announced after a moment. "These questions are still stupid."

"Then sit up already," Pete told him. "You're going to hurt yourself."

Firkle made a face and flipped him off but did as he was told anyway.

"At least there's no chance of any of us getting paired with conformist sheep," Michael said, helpfully. "And we know each other enough that we can probably get matched together." The others muttered in agreement.

Henrietta let out a sigh after a moment and turned slightly to glance at Pete's computer. He had already reached about half-way through the questions and was on the question "You PC, bro?" She watched as he immediately typed in his answer: "Fuck you and everything you stand for!"

"Heh, nice," she muttered, going back to her own test. She was still stuck on the philosophy in life question. What was the best way to poetically describe her bleak outlook on life? Or that she hated everyone and everything?

 _Well, maybe not everyone,_ she thought, glancing at Pete, then at Michael, then over at Firkle. Her friends were still staring in disgust at the different questions, only occasionally remembering to actually answer them. They continued to type in silence (except for one moment when Michael hissed "What do you mean there's only one right answer?" to the opinion on the token minority question) until Henrietta finally made it to the prompt to describe her ideal partner, and she froze.

Immediately, she could feel her face start to heat up as she read over the question. She glanced over at Pete, then at Michael, but they were both focused on their own tests. They both could still easily look over and notice her answer. She really couldn't have that. She glanced over at Pete's laptop, but he had only answered with "a goth, duh!" for his ideal partner. She couldn't see what Michael or Firkle had typed, but she was certain that they were more or less the same answers. She would have joined them with that, but something compelled her to want to answer truthfully.

It took a good five minutes before Pete finally realized that Henrietta was no longer leaning against him, but when he did, he looked over to where she had been in surprise to find that she was no longer there. He waved a hand cautiously out, making sure that she hadn't learned to turn herself invisible before he looked up and saw that she had moved to a far corner of the room, away from her friends.

She was bunched up against the corner, her laptop pulled close to her, as if she was afraid someone would see her. She was typing rather rapidly, and she only paused occasionally to glance up at her friends. Pete desperately wanted to ask her what she was doing or why she moved, but the last time he had asked her a question, he ended up having to do this stupid test thing with the rest of his friends.

Instead, Pete closed his laptop with sigh.

"Well, I'm finished with this," he announced. Michael looked up at him with surprise.

"You finished the test already?" he wondered.

"Yeah," Pete replied, rolling his eyes as he set his laptop to one side. "They weren't that hard. Just disgustingly conformist."

"I'm still stuck on the 'greatest trait' question," Firkle confessed, looking up as well. "These conformist bitches want to learn all of my deep, dark secrets, I swear!"

"The questions about dating and my love life makes me want to stab something," Henrietta muttered darkly under her breath from where she sat. Michael blinked at her.

"Maybe we should all take a break," he decided after a moment.

"You're not the boss of me," Firkle muttered as they all stood and filed out of Michael's room. But he got up as well and followed his friends.

* * *

Craig and his friends were not having much better luck answering the test's questions. They were all almost as disgusted with questions as the goths were. It was taking almost the entire school more than one sitting to complete all of the questions, and Craig in particular did not feel like answering the questions as truthfully as possible.

He answered, "fuck you" for a lot of the questions, including the opinion on the token minority question and the "you PC, bro?" question. Tweek sat beside him at lunchtime, typing frantically, letting out occasional noises. He would nudge Craig in the side, point to nearly every question, wondering "Why would they _ask_ us something like that!?"

"Calm down, Tweek," Craig muttered reassuringly. "It's just a personality test. I doubt any human will actually read our answers."

"I still don't know why they think this is a good idea," Token sighed, looking over the test with a bored look in his eyes. "I want to go with Nichole! Not some random skank!"

"T-T-Token," Jimmy pointed out. "You can't even t-t-talk to Nichole without getting tongue tie- without getting tie- without stuttering."

Token glared at him and was about to make an angry reply, when a shout from Tweek interrupted him.

"Gah! They want to know my shoe size!?" he said. "Why do they need that!?"

"How does knowing your shoe size help you meet the right person?" Craig wondered, looking over in disbelief.

"And what's with this 'how many fingers do you have on your left hand' shit?" Clyde added, looking at his own computer with disgust. "Why is that even on this?"

"Because PC Principal is crazy, and the world hates you," Craig growled, rolling his eyes.

"It's a good thing they gave us a week to finish these," Token noted, and the others couldn't help but mutter their agreements.

* * *

Cartman had the perfect plan to make sure he was matched up with Heidi. He didn't care what Kyle had said, he knew that they were perfect for each other, and he knew she knew it as well. He just had to prove it, and Butters was going to help him with that.

Not that Butters was being particularly cooperative about it. He kept whining about things like "ethics" and "morals" and the "legality" of Cartman's plan. Cartman kept telling him that everything would be fine and that he should stop asking so many questions, but it took a long time before he could finally convince Butters to help him.

First of all, they had to wait until the week was almost over. That Friday, after school, Cartman immediately went home and waited for Butters. It took a long time, too long in his opinion, but eventually he heard the doorbell ring and he went to answer it.

"Well, it's about fucking time you got here!" Cartman growled when he answered the door. Butters shuffled his feet nervously.

"Sorry, Eric," he replied. "I was having a hard time coming up with an excuse to leave the house. I didn't want to sneak out again after the…last time it happened. I finally told my folks that you invited me over for a sleep over."

"Oh, way to make it sound gay, Butters," Cartman snapped, rolling his eyes. "Now let's get out of here and get to the school. Thankfully, my mom's not here, so we shouldn't be missed."

"I still don't think this is a good idea, Eric," Butters said as they made their way down the street and towards the school. "What if we get caught? Then we would get detention, and my parents would ground me something fierce!"

"Butters, will you quit bitching all the time?" Cartman sighed. "I swear, I can't take you anywhere without you complaining about something! Trust me! This plan is going to work! No one will ever know we were here, I guarantee it!"

Butters didn't argue anymore and the two of them were silent until they got to the school. The sun was starting to set when they reached the building, and it looked rather spooky at night. The doors were locked, but Cartman nonchalantly pulled out a ring of keys from the bag he had brought with him and used them to unlock the door.

"How long have you had all those keys to the school?" Butters wondered once they were inside. Cartman glared at him.

"What part of 'no questions asked' did you not understand?" he snapped. "And these aren't just keys to the school, just so you know." Butters longed to ask him what the other keys were for, but he knew better than to ask, especially with how annoyed Cartman already was.

Cartman led the way down the hall towards the principal's office, and they tiptoed their way past classroom upon classroom. The building was empty, but they still didn't want to risk getting caught by a passing janitor or late working teacher. Eventually, they found their way to the principal's office without running into any trouble.

While Butters stood watch, Cartman carefully peeked into the room to make sure PC Principal wasn't there, waiting to catch them.

"All clear," Cartman said in a low voice after a moment. He unlocked the door and they quickly slipped inside.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Butters asked. "What if the principal doesn't even keep the answers in his computer? We could be going on a wild goose chase you know."

"Well, the results of this stupid test have to be logged somewhere," Cartman growled. "We just have to hack into that network and see who Heidi got paired with. If it's not me, then we change it, simple as that. No one will be any the wiser."

Butters highly doubted it, but he wasn't about to tell Cartman that. Instead, he sat down in the principal's chair and opened up the computer on the desk. Cartman hovered over his shoulder as Butters set to work, typing rapidly into the keyboard, his eyes glued to the screen. The two of them were silent as Butters continued to do his magic, working through passwords and firewalls, and finding out where PC Principal's computer kept the results.

"This is boring," Cartman complained after a while. "Are you almost there yet?"

Butters rolled his eyes but didn't take his eyes off the computer screen. "Quit whining," he muttered. "I've almost got it." Cartman glared at him but didn't get the chance to respond when Butters suddenly exclaimed "Found it!"

"It's about time," Cartman growled under his breath. "So, what do we do now?"

Butters hesitated before answering. "Are you sure we shouldn't just stop now?" he asked. "This feels wrong on so many levels. We could just leave right now, you know…"

Cartman glared at him. "Butters, for the last time, stop asking so many damn questions!" he snarled. "It's too late to turn back now. Now, do you want to choose who you go to the dance with or don't you?"

Butters let out a defeated sigh. "Fine," he said, turning back to the computer. "But I still think this is wrong." They were silent for a moment as Butters scrolled down the list of students who had completed the test. "What do you want me to do with the person Heidi actually got matched up with?" he asked. Cartman sighed in frustration as he went to keep watch at the door.

"I don't care," he replied. "Just throw him with someone else! And hurry! I don't know how much longer we can stay here without being caught."

Butters hunched over the keyboard and began tapping rapidly once more. It was hard work getting the names moved around and convincing the program to keep them like that, but Butters was one of the few students who actually paid attention during technology and computer class, so he knew what he was doing. For the most part.

When Cartman turned back around, Butters was staring at the screen in confused concern. He cocked his head at him. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Is it not working?" Butters looked up and blinked at him for a moment.

"It's working," he said hesitantly. "It's just that…"

"Did you change Heidi's partner?" Cartman wondered.

"Well, yeah, but…"

"Then who cares about the rest?" Cartman snapped. "Just hurry up and shut everything down or whatever so we can get out of here!"

"Ok," Butters muttered. He logged out, making sure there was absolutely no trace that they were there, not even glancing at the new list. He and Cartman quickly put everything back where it belonged, and he glanced over his shoulder as they left.

Cartman threatened him not to tell a soul about what they had done as they left the building, and he quickly agreed. He had gotten what they came here for, and no one would ever know the difference, despite what he had seen on the screen before closing it up. He just hoped that the names had stopped shuffling around once he had closed the program.

 **DUN DUN DUUUUUN! So, I'm going to end this chapter here, because next time, we get to the best part: people reacting to who they got paired up with. Hopefully, it will end up as two parts so my sister and I both get a chance to show people groaning about who they got paired with. And trust us, some of them are going to be hilarious! So, stay tuned for that!**

 **Also, we've working on typing up how we think everyone would answer the questions to the test. If you want to see those, tell is in a comment or message me and we'll throw those in between chapters if you want. And remember, licking door knobs is illegal on some planets. So, don't do it.**


	4. Fuck This Shit

**We're gonna learn some of the results today! That should be fun! With Cartman's meddling, who gets paired with who? And did everyone really get switched around? Let's find out, shall we?**

 **Chapter 4 – Fuck This Shit**

Stan felt anxiety threatening to eat him from the inside out as he waited for Friday to come. PC Principal had said that was when the results would be posted at the school. All Stan wanted was to see if he had been paired with Wendy or not. And if he hadn't been paired with her, then he just hoped she was with someone he approved of.

Kyle and Kenny sat with him on his couch as they watched TV, but neither of them seemed nearly as concerned as he was. Stan was so anxious, his leg started shaking.

"Dude, if you have to go to the bathroom just go," Kenny muttered at him.

"I don't have to go to the bathroom," Stan retorted, "I'm just nervous about the results of the personality test. What if Wendy and I don't get paired together?"

"You'll get over it," Kyle replied nonchalantly. Stan gave him a glare.

"Aren't either of you nervous at all?" he asked, exasperated.

"No, not really," Kenny answered, "I know I'll get paired with some hot babe. Though, sorry in advanced if that hot babe happens to be Wendy."

"You have nothing in common with Wendy, Kenny," Kyle pointed out, "I doubt you'll get paired with her."

"That's not true!" Kenny protested, "We both have blond hair!"

Stan and Kyle gave him a baffled look. "Dude, Wendy has black hair, you idiot!" Stan growled at him.

"I think you've been looking at the wrong girl," Kyle muttered. "Anyway, I really don't care who I get paired with. I know I probably won't be interested in them."

"What if you get paired with Heidi?" Kenny asked slyly. Stan couldn't help but notice how pale his best friend got.

"I'm not going to be paired with Heidi," he muttered.

Ever since Heidi broke up with Cartman, she had been reverting back to her kind old self. She had also worked hard to lose the weight she had put on. And it was no real secret that now that Heidi knew how manipulative Cartman had been, she wanted to give Kyle another chance. But any time he was asked, Kyle refused to say anything on the matter, and so no one knew how he really felt. And Heidi was too nervous to ask.

"Come on, Kyle!" Kenny urged, "This could be your chance to finally get the girl of your dreams! Think about it!"

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Heidi is not the girl of my dreams, Kenny," he remarked, "I'm not ten years old anymore. I'm not going to fall for Heidi again just because she claims she's changed. And I don't care how hot everyone thinks she is."

"But Kyle-!"

" _Just drop it, Kenny!_ " Kyle snapped at him.

The room fell silent as Stan desperately wished he could just vanish right now. He cleared his throat, trying to get rid of some of the tension.

"So, uh, any girls you're really hoping to get, Kenny?" he asked. Kenny looked at him with wide, slightly shocked eyes.

"Oh! Uh, yeah, I wouldn't mind getting Bebe or Red," he replied, trying not to sound shaken, "Even if we don't end up dating or anything, I'm sure to at least get a hot make out session from it."

"You would only care about that," Stan sighed.

"What can I say?" Kenny shrugged, "I know what I like."

…

Tweek was probably even more nervous than Stan was as he and Craig walked hand-in-hand together towards the school when Friday rolled around. If he had to go to a dance with _other people_ he at least wanted to be with Craig. But he knew he would never get paired with Craig on that test. He and Tweek hadn't gotten together on purpose in the first place. In way of personality, he and Craig had very little in common, but Tweek didn't care. He liked being Craig's boyfriend; he didn't want to date anyone else. Why did Clyde make them do this?

He squeezed Craig's hand as the school came into sight and Craig looked at him. "You doing all right, babe?" he asked.

"NNG! I really don't want to do this," Tweek muttered, "I don't want to go to this dance with some random person. I want to go with you."

Craig had already come to terms with the fact that he and Tweek would most likely not be paired together. That didn't keep him from being pissed that a computer thought it could pick out a better partner for him than Tweek, though.

He leaned over and gave Tweek a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Don't worry, honey," he soothed, "If we don't get each other, I promise I'll be right near by the whole night, ok? And I'll make sure whoever you get doesn't try to kiss you."

Tweek twitched violently, but quickly regained his composure. He gave Craig a small smile. "O-Ok," he said, "And I'll make sure whoever you get paired with doesn't try to kiss you!" Craig burst out laughing and gave Tweek a hug.

Finally they reached the school where several students were milling about. They spotted Clyde, Token, and Jimmy and quickly raced over to them. Token sighed as they reached them.

"It's about time you guys got here!" he berated, "Clyde wouldn't let us check who we got matched with until you two were here."

"Y-Y-You sure t-took your sweet t-t-time, huh?" Jimmy teased.

"Give us a break," Craig scolded, "Tweek and I really didn't want to do this." He threw a glare at Clyde as he said this. Clyde gave him an innocent shrug in response.

Shoulder to shoulder, the five of them walked into the school, following the line of students to where the results of the test were posted. A massive crowd had formed, blocking the friends from seeing the results, but this meant very little to Craig.

He started pushing through the crowd, knocking kids over as his friends followed, apologizing in his stead. Finally, they reached the front where a large poster board with all the kids' names were listed who had taken the test. They were listed in alphabetical order with a dash beside their name saying who they were paired with.

"So, who wants to go first?" Token asked nervously. None of his friends answered. He sighed. "Well don't all jump up at once."

"All right you p-p-pussies," Jimmy sighed, "I'll go fuh-first."

Jimmy stepped up to the board, carefully scanning until he got to his own name. "Le-Let's see," he murmured, "Jimmy Valmer! Huh-Here I am! I g-got paired with… Nathan!"

"WHAT!?" Came an outraged cry from down the hall. Jimmy and his friends turned and stared as Nathan and his lackey Mimsy came storming down the hallway towards them. Nathan marched right up to Jimmy, getting right up in his face.

"What do you mean you got paired with me?" he growled.

"It says so r-right here," Jimmy pointed out calmly, not phased at all, "S-See?" He pointed with one of his crutches at Nathan's name which, sure enough, said that he was paired with Jimmy.

"Gee boss! Ain't that funny?" Mimsy chuckled, "You don't like Jimmy, but ya got paired with him to go to the dance!"

"Thank you, Mimsy," Nathan hissed, "I'm aware of this!"

"Oh boy, N-Nathan!" Jimmy grinned, "We're g-gonna have s-so much fun!" Nathan glared with pure hatred at his enemy.

"You go next, Token," Tweek urged, nudging his friend forward.

Swallowing his nervousness, Token stepped up and looked for his name. _Please be Nichole,_ he thought desperately. He found his name and his heart sunk as he saw who he got. "I got paired with… Bebe Stevens," he announced dejected.

Clyde, who obviously didn't get it, slapped him on the back. "All right! Good job scoring a hot chick, bro!" he exclaimed. Token glared over at him as he stepped up to look for his name.

"Ok, let's see which lucky hot lady I got paired with," he reveled to himself. He quickly found his name and paused, to rack up the tension. Eventually, though, Craig smacked him in the back of the head.

"Just tell us who you got already," he growled.

"Fine," Clyde muttered. "Ok. I got…" His face dropped and he nearly chocked. "I got Tweek?!" he burst out.

"GAH! WHAT?!" Tweek shouted. He shoved Clyde aside and quickly searched for his name. This had to be a mistake. How in the world did he get Clyde? "GAH! I GOT CLYDE!" he yelled for the entire hallway to hear.

Craig quickly walked over and wrapped Tweek in his arms, pressing the panicking boy to his body. "It's ok, Tweek, it's just Clyde," he said soothingly, "You could have gotten someone way worse."

But in his heart, Craig was furious. How did _Clyde_ get paired with _Tweek?_ If Tweek and Craig didn't have much in common, then Clyde and Tweek had even _less_ in common! Was this stupid computer match up thing really implying that Clyde would be a better boyfriend for Tweek than Craig?

Angrily, Craig glared over at his best friend, while rubbing Tweek's back, but Clyde was in the middle of his own crisis.

"How did I get matched up with Tweek?" he was wondering to Token and Jimmy, "I was sure I put that I prefer to date girls! Why would the computer pair me up with a dude?"

"M-Maybe it th-thought that you and T-Tweek would go g-good together," Jimmy suggested with a shrug.

"GAH!"

"I doubt that," Token muttered. He turned to Craig, who was still comforting Tweek. "All right Craig, you're the last one. Go for it."

Craig sighed and rolled his eyes, reluctantly letting go of Tweek. He didn't want to admit that now that Tweek was for sure off the table he was super nervous about who he got. He took a deep breath, then stepped up to the board. He scanned his finger through all the names until he got to his own, then he closed his eyes to prepare himself. Then he opened his eyes. They widened.

"No," he said. It couldn't be. "Oh God, no!"

"What? Who did you get?" Token asked.

"Oh God, please not him!" Craig begged, "Anyone but him!" His rival since they were young. Whom he and his friends still occasionally competed with.

Stan Marsh.

 **I was going to make this longer, but I thought that was the perfect place to end it. My sister will have the rest of the reactions next chapter.**

 **Funny thing is, we actually decided Stan and Craig would end up being paired together before we decided Cartman would try to rig the system, so those two are actually probably the only ones who are actually legitimately paired together.**


	5. Not so Perfect Matches

**Great. My sister finished the last chapter long before I even started on the next chapter of** _ **Angels and Demons**_ **… Anyway, Stan and Craig. That will be fun! Let's see who everyone else got stuck with!**

 **Chapter 5 – Not so Perfect Matches**

Craig stared in horror as he read over and over who he got. There had to be some sort of mistake! He couldn't go to a dance with _Stan_! He couldn't think of anyone he would less want to go with. He was in such a state of shock, that he didn't even notice his friends calling to him until Clyde was putting a hand on his shoulder.

"What?" Craig snapped at him, turning to glare at his best friend. Clyde retracted his hand and stared at him with wide eyes.

"We were just wondering who you got," he said.

"You've got two eyes that aren't broken," Craig hissed at him. "You can read it yourself!"

His friends continued to stare at him in surprise as he buried his head in his hands in shame. Tweek opened his mouth to say something, but didn't get a chance as Wendy and her friends arrived at the poster. Wendy noticed Craig and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"Cheer up, Craig," she said with a note of sympathy. "I'm sure who you got paired with can't be that bad." The only response she got from him was a groan.

As Craig and his friends slunk off, most of them sulky about who they got matched up with, Wendy turned back to the board. She nervously sought out her own name as her friends waited behind her. Then she found it and the look of disappointment on her face was unmistakable, though she tried to look cheerful.

"Oh," she said. "I got Butters."

Bebe put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry," she said earnestly. Wendy turned to look at her and gave her a slight smile.

"I mean, it could be worse," she replied after a moment. "I was just kind of hoping I would get paired with Stan."

"I told you that you should have just read his answers over his shoulder and matched his answers," Bebe scolded her. "But you wouldn't listen to me." Wendy's expression turned into confusion.

"No, you didn't," she pointed out. Bebe blinked at her.

"Oh yeah," she muttered. "I guess I just thought that. Anyway, my turn!" Then she shoved Wendy out of the way to look for her own name. "Oh hey!" she said after a moment. "I got Token!" Her look of excitement was immediately replaced with nervousness when she suddenly realized that Nichole was pressed against her side, glaring through narrowed eyes at her. Bebe blinked at her, then attempted to give her a winning smile.

"You're dead to me," Nichole hissed at her. Bebe's smile vanished. Nichole started to turn away, but Heidi put a hand on her shoulder.

"Aren't you going to find out who you got matched with?" she asked her. Nichole blinked at her, muttered a quick "oh yeah," under her breath, then turned back to the board. She muttered angrily as she cast occasional angry glares at Bebe while trying to look for her name.

"I got Scott," she said after a moment.

"Scott who?" Red asked. Nichole blinked in surprise at her.

"Malkinson," she replied. Red continued to stare at her. "Brown hair, freckles?" Nichole described, trying to remind her. Red continued to give her a blank stare. "Has diabetes?"

"Oh yeah! That guy!" Red laughed. She turned to Heidi as Nichole frowned at her. "So, who's next?" Heidi stared at her silently until she let out a sigh. "Fine," she said. "I'll go next!" She happily turned to the board and looked for her name. "Who'd I get? Who'd I get?" she muttered to herself, scanning the list. Then she found it. "Pete Thelman?" she said at last, sounding confused.

Wendy held in a laugh and leaned forward to look. "Still think this test pairs you up with the one you are destined to be with?" she asked her sarcastically.

"Yes!" Red replied, enthusiastically, taking her friends by surprise. Bebe stared at her for a long moment before speaking.

"Really?" she asked. But Red had already turned to look at Heidi.

"Ok, babe, you're the last one," she told her. "Tell us who you got."

Heidi glared at her, muttering "stop calling me 'babe,'" under her breath before turning slowly towards the board. She took a deep breath before nervously looking for her own name. Her only thought in her head was "Please not Eric Cartman!"

"Kevin Stoley?" she cried out suddenly, when she found her name at last. She tried not to sound disappointed, she was willing to give him a chance, but she couldn't help feeling a little offended about the fact that the computer thought they were meant for each other. Bebe gave her a smile.

"Well, look on the bright side," she said. "You didn't get Cartman!" Heidi narrowed her eyes at her and didn't say anything.

"I guess who we got isn't so bad," Wendy stated as Bebe's smile was replaced by nervousness while Heidi and Nichole continued to glare at her. The black-haired girl let out a defeated sigh. "I just kind of wish who I got wasn't Butters. But, at least he's nice."

"Yeah, and Stan got Craig," Red pointed out, glancing at the list and suddenly spotting his name. "So, you don't have to worry about some slut hitting on him."

"Shut up!" Bebe said suddenly, shoving Red out of the way and looking over the list again. A huge grin spread across her face. "That's hilarious! Those two hate each other!"

Wendy rolled her eyes at her. "Come on girls," she said. "Let's get out of here. We need to start picking out dresses for this stupid thing." Her friends muttered their agreement and started to follow her. Except for Red.

Her friends turned towards her, confused, and saw that she was staring down the hall with a sort of dreamy look on her face. They spun around to see what she was looking at, only to see the goth kids rounding the corner at the end of the hall. Heidi let out a sigh and grabbed Red's arm.

"Come on, Juliet," she growled, dragging her friend away.

The goths stepped aside to let the girls pass, giving them strange looks, before stepping up to the board. Henrietta let out a sigh and turned to her friends.

"So, who wants to go first?" she asked them. Her three friends stared blankly at her. She rolled her eyes and put a hand on Pete's back, shoving him forward. "You. Go first," she ordered.

Pete glared at her for a moment before turning back to the board. He let out a frustrated sigh a moment later.

"Great," he growled. "I got that preppy conformist bitch, Red."

Before Michael and Firkle could reply, Henrietta was violently shoving Pete out of the way to look at the board, rage boiling in her eyes.

" _What!?_ " she snarled, scanning the list. Yup, right there. Pete and Red. "There has to be some sort of mistake," she growled under her breath. Then who did she get matched up with? She looked over the list again, looking for her own name. What the fuck was this bullshit? "I got Kenny McCormick?" she wondered. Sure, he was ok, with all the dark stuff he did, and he was pretty good looking for a conformist. But that didn't mean she had to be happy about it.

When she turned back to her friends, she saw Pete, Michael and Firkle all staring at her in surprise. "What?" she hissed at them.

"Are you ok, Henrietta?" Michael wondered.

"Why would I be ok?" she snapped. "This whole test was stupid and it didn't even have the results make sense!"

"It looks like Michael and Firkle got paired together," Pete replied, nonchalantly glancing at the list. His two friends blinked in shock before registering what he had said.

"Get out of here," Michael said eventually.

"Take a look for yourself," Pete told him as Henrietta continued to fume silently.

The two of them looked over the list and sure enough found themselves matched together. "I mean, we were kind of hoping this would happen, but what the fuck?" Firkle muttered. "I'm pretty sure I said I prefer girls."

"Who were you hoping to get then?" Michael wondered.

"I don't know," Firkle admitted. "Karen McCormick, I guess. She was goth for a while."

"This stupid test is rigged," Henrietta snarled. "I mean, how did you two get each other while Pete and I have to suffer with conformists?"

Pete opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted by the arrival of Mike and some of his vampire friends. They were all sneering at them.

"Well, if it isn't the goths," Mike pointed out. "Come to see how your lives got ruined by a stupid personality test? You shouldn't be surprised with who you got if the principal is running the whole thing."

"Shut up, Mike," Firkle hissed. "You probably won't be laughing when you see who you got paired up with." Mike took a moment to look at him in mild surprise.

"I didn't take the test, per say," he told them. Pete blinked at him in shock.

"Really?" he asked. "Why not?"

"Cuz I'm not an idiot," Mike stated simply, causing the four goths to glare at him.

Pete opened his mouth to make an angry retort, but Henrietta had seized his arm and was starting to drag him away. "Come on," she snarled. "We're going to see the principal about this!" Michael, Firkle and Mike stared after them in shock before Michael and Firkle quickly followed after them.

The four of them passed Stan and his friends, who were making their way over to the board of the results. Stan looked at them in surprise as Henrietta angrily pushed past them, holding onto a rather scared looking Pete.

"Hey Henrietta," Stan greeted nervously.

"Don't talk to me," she snapped over her shoulder at him.

Michael and Firkle quickly filed past them as well, looking slightly apologetic, and Stan shrugged before turning back to the board. Butters had stepped up to join them as well, and he was the only one who looked excited.

There was a moment of silence as they all looked for their names. Suddenly, Stan let out a loud and obnoxious groan.

"I got Craig?" he growled. "Are you kidding me? We have nothing in common! And we hate each other! And I put that I prefer girls! There must be some sort of mistake!"

Butters rubbed his knuckles together nervously and didn't say anything. Instead, he turned back to the board, looking for his own name, trying not to look guilty. Then he brightened suddenly and he turned to Stan.

"Well, what do you know?" he said. "I got Wendy!"

Stan slowly turned on the spot and narrowed his eyes angrily at an oblivious Butters. He tried to force a grin, but it just turned into a scowl. Butters continued to smile at him. Already, this wasn't going as planned, and Butters was just rubbing it in his face, he knew it.

"Well, see you later, fellas!" Butters said before walking away. Stan glared after him.

"Oh," Kenny said in a slightly disappointed voice, distracting Stan from his anger. "I got Henrietta. Neat."

"Well, at least you actually got paired with a girl," Stan sighed. "Seriously, how did I get paired with Craig? We have absolutely nothing in common!"

"Sure, you do," Cartman said dismissively, still trying to look for his name.

"Name one thing Craig and I have in common," Stan growled at him. Cartman paused and turned to stare at him. They were all silent for a long moment as Cartman tried to think of something.

"Y-You both have black hair," he mumbled eventually.

Stan opened his mouth to reply, but before he could speak, Kyle let out a cry of outrage, startling all of them. The red head whipped around to glare at Stan, fury blazing in his green eyes, and his lips drawn back into a snarl. Stan blinked in surprise at him.

"What?" he asked nervously, shocked by the anger directed at him.

Kyle narrowed his eyes dangerously and jabbed a finger back at the list. _"Look at who I got paired with,"_ he hissed, emphasizing every word. Stan gulped nervously and looked over to where Kyle's name was. His heart sank as he read it, and he was aware of Kyle's furious gaze following his every movement.

"Well, would you look at that?" Stan said, laughing nervously. Kyle's eyes narrowed further. "You got Eric Cartman."

 **DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN! Yup. Butters and Cartman fucked up. They fucked up really bad. How is Cartman going to react when he realizes he accidently got himself paired with Kyle? How will Heidi react when she finds out? (Probably with laughter). Find out when my sister types up the next chapter, and we start to see shit go down. It's going to be good!**


	6. Wow, This Sucks

**So, Butters screwed up. Big time. Cartman is going to be so mad. But first we have to deal with the raging ball of 100% furious Jew that used to be Kyle.**

 **Chapter 6 – Wow, This Sucks**

Stan stared at the raging ball of 100% furious Jew that used to be Kyle with a look of fear. After all, he was the one who made Kyle take the test, and PC Principal had made it clear that no one was allowed to back out once they had. He swallowed nervously.

"Um, Kyle?" he squeaked, having no idea what he was actually going to say. He flinched and cowered in fear as Kyle turned his angry gaze on him. There was fire in his eyes.

"I am going to murder you Stan," Kyle growled dangerously, "You made us take this stupid test and _NONE_ of us even got who we wanted! And now I'm stuck going with Cartman! This is going to be the worst dance ever!"

"Hey! I'm mad too, you know!" Cartman objected. He shut up, though, when Kyle turned his furious gaze on him.

"Hey, maybe we can fix this," Stan told his friend, "I know you and Cartman don't want to go together. Maybe if you tell PC Principal this then you won't have to go. If you both calmly explain to him that you won't be hurting each other's feelings by wanting to back out I'm sure he'll let you do it!"

Slowly, Kyle started to calm down, but he still looked irritated and annoyed. "Fine," he hissed out at last, "But if this doesn't work I'm going to murder something. Probably Cartman. He deserves it."

"Yeah, fuck you too, Jew," Cartman muttered as he and Kyle went off to look for the principal. Stan watched them go for a moment and was startled when someone let out a heavy sigh beside him.

"Maybe going to the dance with a goth won't be so bad," Kenny muttered mostly to himself. Stan had to catch his breath.

"Dammit, Kenny! Don't scare me like that!" he growled.

…

"Sorry, bro," PC Principal said to the angry Craig in front of him, "You took the test and got your partner. Can't back out now."

"But I hate Stan Marsh!" Craig growled, "We're rivals! We can't stand each other! I'm pretty sure he would agree with me if he were here that we don't want to go with each other!"

"You want four months detention, bro?" PC Principal questioned. Craig's face dropped and his expression turned to one of shock.

"But in your announcement you said it was only one month of detention," he pointed out.

"Well for you it's four months," the principal replied, shrugging. Growling with anger, Craig stormed off.

Almost as soon as he did, Clyde and Tweek came shuffling up to the principal. Clyde looked confident while Tweek was shaking and nervous.

"Excuse me, Mr. Principal?" Clyde said, "We have some complaints about how the matching system."

"What's wrong with it, bro?" PC Principal asked, standing in that douchey way he always does. With his shades on indoors. Like a douche.

"Uh, well first of all, Tweek and I got paired together," Clyde told him, "Which makes no sense because we really don't have a lot in common. Also, I answered that I prefer girls and Tweek is not a girl."

"AH!"

"The computer doesn't make mistakes, bro," PC Principal said dismissively, "If you got paired up then you were supposed to get paired up."

Clyde and Tweek looked at each other then back at the principal. "See, here's the thing," Clyde argued, "Tweek and Craig are already dating, and I really don't want my best friend mad at me because some stupid computer decided to pair me up with his boyfriend."

"You want five months detention?" PC asked. The two boys blinked at him.

"ACK! But you told Craig it was four months," Tweek pointed out.

"Well for you two it'll be five months." He looked down at them from the top of his shades. Dejected, Tweek and Clyde quickly shuffled off.

…

"What color do you think goes best with black?" Red asked her friends at lunch, "I was thinking pink or maybe something like hot pink. But what do you guys think?"

"I think you're putting way too much merit in this personality test match up," Wendy said honestly at the same time Heidi muttered under her breath "I think you're crazy."

"Do you really think a goth is your perfect match?" Bebe questioned as she swirled her food together on her plate, "I mean, you're a girly-girl and Pete is, well, you know. A goth."

"Yeah," Red sighed dreamily, not even realizing her elbow was in her mashed potatoes.

"I'm really not into this dance," Wendy admitted, "I mean, I usually don't take much stock in these personality match up tests, but I thought even if I didn't get paired up with Stan then maybe I would get paired with someone kind of similar to him. Like Kyle or something. Then it would just give me a little bit of verification that Stan and I are meant to be together, you know? I didn't think I would get someone like Butters. What if it means Stan and I aren't meant to be?"

Frowning slightly, Nichole slid over and put an arm around her. "Hey now, don't think like that," she urged, "It's like you said, you put no stock in these stupid things. You think a computer test can tell you better than your heart who you're meant to be with?"

Wendy fidgeted. "I don't know, Nichole, Stan and I have had such a rocky history," she started. But Nichole cut her off.

"Oh come off it," she told her, "You two aren't so 'on-again off-again' as everyone says. You broke up once legitimately, then one other time because of a stupid stunt by all of us girls forcing you to. Two times. That's not bad."

"Yeah," Heidi agreed, "That's better than Bebe. She can't hold onto a guy for more than two weeks."

"Hey!" Bebe snapped.

Wendy ignored Heidi and Bebe and smiled at Nichole. "You're right," she said, "Thanks Nichole. As for this dance, I guess I can try to be cheerful for Butters. It's not like he's a bad guy or anything. He's a good kid."

"Yeah, that's the way to think about it," Nichole grinned, "Now if only I could say the same for me, since a certain friend at this table got the boy I was hoping to get back together with." She glared slightly over at Bebe.

"Who, me?" the blonde asked.

"What do you think, genius?" Heidi replied sarcastically.

…

"Look, obviously your stupid match up system thing didn't work because it matched up Pete with some ditzy girly conformist!" Henrietta growled at PC Principal. She and the other goths were standing in front of the hated principal as she tried to get Pete out having to go to the dance with Red.

"What's the problem with that?" PC asked.

"Uh, we're goths! We don't get paired with conformists!" Henrietta replied with a huff as if it should've been super obvious, "And while we're on the subject, what's the idea of pairing me with Kenny McCormick?"

"Calling people conformists because they're not like you is not politically correct," PC Principal stated, "In fact, it's wrong to assume-"

"I don't care what's 'politically correct!'" Henrietta interrupted with a snarl, "Your stupid match thing is broken!"

The principal looked down at them from the over the top of his sunglasses. "You four want six months detention?" he wondered.

"Four- we haven't done anything!" Firkle pointed out.

"I thought it was only one month," Michael added weakly.

"Well for the four of you it will be six months," PC Principal told him.

Snarling, Henrietta grabbed Pete's arm, who flinched with pain, and stormed off, leaving Firkle and Michael to hurry after her.

…

Most of the school was in an uproar. Kyle was a ball of fury, almost literally burning down everything in his path after the principal refused to listen to his pleas. Stan made sure to stay out of his way, but on the bus on they way home he couldn't avoid his best friend any longer. He sat next to his fuming friend as Kyle gripped the seat so hard he actually managed to tear it up.

"So, I take it PC Principal wouldn't let you get out of going to the dance?" Stan asked cautiously.

"He threatened me with seven months detention," Kyle hissed, not looking at him, "And when I tried to argue further he was like 'we can make it eight months.' God, I hate that guy almost as much as I hate Cartman."

"Wow, that is a lot of hatred," Kenny said, who was sitting in the next seat over, "You know, you could just take the detention. Sure, it's a lot of detention, but then at least you wouldn't have to go to the dance with Cartman!"

Although he said this in a joking manner, Stan was surprised when Kyle looked to be actually considering it. He blinked at his friend.

"Uh, Kyle?" he asked.

"I'm thinking," Kyle murmured slowly, "Maybe if Cartman and I explain together that we don't want to go, that we won't be hurting each other's feelings he'll be more lenient."

"Sure," Kenny said, shrugging, "Or at the very least maybe he'll bump the detention back down to only one month like he said it was going to be."

"Yeah," Kyle replied, nodding with relief, "Yeah, tomorrow that's what we'll do. He has to understand. Right?"

Behind them, Cartman was waiting for the bus to stop so he could murder Butters for screwing everything up. He'd better have a good reason for pairing him up with Kyle.

 **Sorry this chapter took so long to get out. I have a lot on my plate right now. But hopefully this will satisfy you. We're gonna throw some curveballs in the story soon before the dance so stay tuned for that! And make sure leave a comment telling Night Witch to hurry and write the next chapter right now!**


	7. It Got Worse

**So, we're going to be getting some surprising and hilarious news in this chapter. We're also going to reveal who all the side characters got because we forgot to in the previous chapters. Hilarity will ensue. Enjoy.**

 **Chapter Seven – It Got Worse**

PC Principal was sitting in his office, lifting weights like a douche when there was a sudden knock on the door. A moment later, Kyle and Cartman stepped into the office, both looking nervous and angry at the same time. Strong Woman followed in after them, looking sort of put out by the entire thing.

"What can I do for you?" PC Principal asked without looking at them.

"Well, it's about the dance," Kyle started.

"We thought we'd both come and talk to you," Cartman added. "See, neither of us will feel bad that we don't want to go with each other, because we already hate each other! So, you don't have to worry about…"

"Ten months," PC Principal interrupted suddenly. Cartman paused, his mouth still open in midsentence. He and Kyle exchanged glances before turning back to him.

"Ten months what?" Kyle asked nervously.

"Ten months' detention for backing out of the dance for the both of you," the principal replied calmly. "Either you go with each other, or you get ten months of detention. Simple as that."

Instead of silencing them, this just made the two boys explode in anger.

"That's not fair!" Kyle snarled. "At the assembly, you said it was one month, then yesterday you told me it was eight!"

"Neither of us will be offended!" Cartman stated with a growl. "We already said we don't like each other!"

"Can't you see this whole test is wrong?" Kyle snapped. "Nobody is getting anyone even close to matching in personality! Why can't you just admit this test was a failure and let us pick our own dates? Or just take it again or something?"

"The computer doesn't make mistakes, bro," PC Principal said calmly. "You're destroying each other's self-esteem by saying you're not perfect for each other."

"No, we're not!" Kyle and Cartman shouted at the same time.

"Do you want a year of detention?" PC Principal asked, peering over his sunglasses at them. The two boys glared back at him, clearly outraged. But it was no use. Cursing softly under their breaths, the two of them turned and stormed out of the room.

Strong Woman watched them go with worry in her eyes. She turned to PC Principal, but before she could open her mouth to speak, there was another knock on the door and Stan entered a moment later, carrying a pie chart under his arm. Stan had learned from the mistakes of his fellow classmates. Rather than telling the principal why he didn't deserve detention, he was going to show him. He was rather confident with himself, too.

PC Principal and Strong Woman stared at him as he quickly set up his chart and turned back to them, clearing his throat. "PC Principal and Vice Principal Strong Woman," Stan started. "I have come here today to make my case for why Craig and I shouldn't…"

But he didn't get to even finish his first sentence before PC Principal was interrupting him. "Detention until graduation," he growled, still pumping weights. Stan stared blankly at him.

"B-b-but…" he stuttered. The expression on the principal didn't change. They stared at each other for a long, silent moment. Then, Stan angrily turned, kicked down his chart in anger and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Strong Woman let out a sigh and turned to PC Principal.

"I'm worried," she stated at last. "Nobody seems like they're enjoying themselves with this dance, and everyone has been in here complaining." She put her face in her hands. "What are we doing wrong?"

"Nothing!" PC Principal replied. "Obviously it's the students who need to realize they're in the wrong! This test was a great idea and we just need them to stop complaining."

"Or, we could show them how great an idea this was," Strong Woman said thoughtfully. "I think if we were to show them that they were all paired with the right person, they would be more willing to go to the dance with their perfect match! They just need to get to know each other a little bit more! And I have just the thing to help…"

Absolutely no one was excited for the new assembly that the principal called the next day. So far, it had been nothing but bad news for the students. And it was about to get even worse if the stupid grins on his and Strong Woman's faces were anything to go on.

"Students, we've noticed that very little of you seem to be happy about who you got paired with for the dance," Strong Woman started. "So, we came up with a solution to solve this problem!" Immediately, everyone was in an excited uproar.

"You're going to let us retake the test?" Bebe asked excitedly.

"We get to pick our own dates for the dance?" Clyde guessed.

"We're not going to have the dance at all?" Craig stated hopefully.

PC Principal stepped up to the mike. "Even better," he replied when he could be heard. "We're going to hold a formal dinner where you get to know your match partner while having a nice meal together."

Almost instantly, the excitement died and everyone stared in shock or confusion. Everything was silent for a moment, until a very annoyed sounding "What?" was called out from somewhere in the crowd. PC Principal and Strong Woman's smiles never faltered.

"It's simple," PC Principal stated. "A week from now, those of you who signed up for the dance will report to the gymnasium for a romantic, intimate, candle-lit dinner with the partner you were matched with. This mandatory event will take place at six o clock, and you must wear something nice and formal."

"After all, this dinner will give you a chance to get to know your partner before the big dance," Strong Woman added. "Won't that be exciting?"

Absolutely nobody looked excited. Or happy. In fact, everyone let out loud groans of annoyance. The two principals didn't seem to notice the looks of hatred that were directed towards them, and continued to explain how "wonderful" this idea was.

"This entire thing is fucking bullshit!" Henrietta growled furiously from the back. "You can't just force all to do something we so obviously don't want to do!"

"You can't complain if you haven't got to know your partner," PC Principal replied. "You all have to do both the dinner and the dance or else I will lose my temper on all of you!"

This immediately shut everyone up, though they all still looked unhappy. Everyone still remembered the last time PC Principal lost his temper. Some of them still had scars, both physical and mental. There was an angry mutter or two, but other than that, nobody else complained until the assembly was over.

"Can you believe that asshole?" Cartman growled as they left the gym. "It's bad enough that I have to go to a stupid dance with Kyle, but now I have to have dinner with him as well!"

"It can't be that bad, Eric," Butters said in a quiet voice. Cartman rounded on him.

"It is that bad!" he snarled. "And it's all your fault, Butters! What the fuck were you thinking? I told you specifically to put me with Heidi, not that stinking Jew! And what's the big idea pairing Heidi with Kevin of all people!?"

"I was trying to tell you," Butters replied, putting up his hands defensively and looking around to make sure that no one was overhearing them. "I did match you guys up, but I guess doing so made the computer confused or something because it started shuffling around a bunch of people's names!"

"Well, thanks to you, I'm now stuck going to this stupid dance with Kyle," the fat kid growled. "Now Heidi will never come crawling back to me!"

"Maybe she'll just get jealous of who you're with," Butters sighed, shrugging his scrawny shoulders. Cartman stopped and thought for a moment, a curious expression on his face.

"Yeah, maybe," he said thoughtfully. Butters couldn't help but shiver. Whatever Cartman was planning, he knew it wasn't going to be anything good. And he just hoped that he wouldn't be a part of it this time.

"I can't believe the principal doesn't see anything wrong with the test results," Stan complained at lunch the next day. "I mean seriously, when over half the school is telling you something is wrong, that's when you should realize that your dumb idea didn't work and start over, right?"

Kyle sat across from his friend, narrowing his eyes at Stan and being unable to speak. Stan tried not to make eye contact with him; he knew Kyle still blamed him for getting him into this mess in the first place. Thankfully, Kenny was sitting next to the red head, ready to hold him back if he decided to launch himself at Stan.

"I know what you mean," Kenny replied after a moment of awkward silence. "You'd think they would at least look into it with so many people complaining about who they got matched up with, you know?"

Cartman sat next to Stan, also silently fuming and not even touching his food. He hadn't spoken to any of them since he sat down, though he didn't look anywhere near as angry as Kyle did. At Kenny's words, he looked over at his blonde friend and looked like he was about to speak, but was interrupted by Wendy and her friends coming over and sitting down with them.

"Hey Stan," Wendy greeted, kissing her boyfriend on the cheek. "I heard you got matched up with Craig for the dance." Stan let out an annoyed huff. "I'm so sorry."

"It could be worse," Bebe pointed out. "You could have been matched with Cart-!"

She cut herself off, however, as Kyle whipped around to turn his furious gaze onto her. Her mouth immediately clamped shut and she silently went back to the food on her tray. Heidi stared at Bebe for a moment before turning her wide-eyed gaze to Kyle, who was still glaring at Bebe and Stan, then looked over at Cartman.

"I am so sorry," she mouthed to Kyle after a moment. To her surprise, Kyle's gaze softened for just an instant before he went back to trying to set Stan on fire by just staring at him.

"By the way, Kenny," Heidi said after a moment of them all silently eating. "Did you see who your sister got paired with for the dance?"

"No," Kenny confessed, looking up in surprise. "I kind of forgot to look because I was still kind of sad about who I got paired with."

"I noticed because they put her name right under mine for no discernable reason," Heidi explained. "She got paired with that Dougie kid."

Immediately, Kenny started choking on his food and it was several long moments before he was able to speak again. His friends were all staring at him in confusion as he hit himself in the chest to make sure his coughing fit was over.

"Really!?" he gasped. "My sister got paired with Dougie? Why?"

"What's wrong with Dougie?" Nichole wondered.

"He's a dork!" Kenny argued. "His only friend is Butters! Why would they think that my sister is perfect for him?" Then he slammed his head into the table with a groan before any of his friends could reply. "This dance is going to suck!" they heard him grumble.

"Who did Kenny get?" Wendy asked Stan in a low voice.

"Henrietta," Stan replied, taking a sip of his drink.

"That's funny," Wendy said thoughtfully. "Because Red got a goth too. She got Pete."

Stan spat out his drink in disbelief and turned to her, a look of shock on his face. "Seriously?" he asked. Wendy nodded. "What is wrong with that principal?! They're like, exact opposites!"

"That's what we've been trying to tell her," Bebe piped in, rolling her eyes. "But for some reason she just thinks that they were just meant to be."

"There is something seriously fucked up going on here," Stan hissed. "I mean, absolutely no one is getting paired with someone even remotely like them! How is PC Principal just ignoring all of this?"

Cartman tried to look like he was just as clueless as his friends, and he was glad that none of them were paying any attention to him, because he was pretty sure he was failing miserably. The others, in the meantime, didn't really have the heart to tell Stan that he and Craig actually had a lot in common, they just hated each other too much to notice.

"And now we have a stupid dinner to suffer through as well," Nichole sighed, placing her head in her hands. "I just really hope they let us pick our own table at this thing. It'd be nice to know how my girls are doing throughout."

"Aw, come on, you guys," Bebe said. "Look on the bright side!"

"What bright side?" everyone at the table snapped at the same time. Bebe stared back, her mouth open and completely unable to answer.

 **Bit of a weak way to end this chapter, but I'm going to end it here anyway. Otherwise, I would just be having everyone say the same things over and over. Both the dinner and the dance will be at least a few chapters long so both of us can have some fun with it. I don't know what my sister will do for the next chapter, but hopefully it will come out faster than this one. I apologize for taking so long, but some shit happened in my life and I haven't had much motivation for anything.**


	8. A Very Un-Romantic Dinner

**We're just going to jump to the dinner because otherwise it's just going to be repetitive complaining. Let's see how much this plan isn't going to work!**

 **Chapter 8 – A Very Un-Romantic Dinner**

Needless to say, Stan was not looking forward to this dinner. He couldn't think of anything he would less rather do than have dinner with Craig. He stood in front of his mirror, looking himself up and down. While he was dressed nicely, he wasn't really impressed with himself. It's not like he put in a lot of effort for this dinner and he was guessing that his friends didn't either.

Sighing, he checked his watch and saw how late it was getting. Well, time to get this over with. He went down the stairs and left the house, heading towards the school where the dinner was set up. Because the school was cheap and didn't want to have it at a real restaurant.

As he passed Kyle's house, he heard the front door open and looked to see Kyle and Ike stepping out. He stopped to wait for them.

"Hey," Kyle greeted in a stoic voice, "Excited?"

"Oh yeah," Stan replied sarcastically, "I just can't _wait_ to have a romantic dinner with _Craig._ " He looked down at Ike who was dressed much nicer than Kyle. "Oh, hey Ike. Who'd you get paired with?"

"Tricia Tucker," he answered. Stan inhaled sharply.

"Ooh, tough break kid," he said, "I hear she has kind of a mean streak. Also, she's Craig's younger sister, so there's that."

"I don't know, I think I'm tough enough for her," Ike bragged, rolling up his sleeves and showing off his non-existent muscles. Kyle snickered.

"All right, if that's what you have to tell yourself," he sneered. He patted his younger brother on the head and looked at Stan. "Come on," he sighed, "Let's get this over with."

"That's probably what every girl will say that Cartman tries to sleep with," Stan joked, trying to lighten the mood. He was pleased when Kyle's lips curled up.

"Yeah, because fatass could ever get a girl to sleep with him," he sneered.

On their way to the school, they met up with Kenny and Karen. Kenny was dressed much nicer than Stan or Kyle which was really saying something considering he was poor and didn't have a lot of nice clothes. Karen had cleaned up rather well for her date.

"Hey guys," Kenny greeted, "Why do I look better dressed than you?"

"Because we didn't actually want to put in the effort," Stan pointed out. Kenny shrugged.

"Fair enough," he replied.

"Hey Karen, who's your date?" Kyle asked the younger sister. She blushed slightly from being addressed. She always had been shy.

"Um, Dougie O'Conner," she murmured.

"And if Dougie even sort of tries to make a move on my sister he is getting punched by an over protective brother," Kenny warned. Karen gave him a small smile.

Finally they passed Cartman, who looked as though he had been walking to the school slowly on purpose so he wouldn't have to arrive alone. He gave them all a coy smile when he saw them.

"Oh, uh, hey guys. Fancy seeing you guys," he greeted. Kyle rolled his eyes.

"What are you talking about, fatass? We all go the same way to get to school," he pointed out. Cartman glared at him.

"Is that anyway to speak to your date, Kahl?" he asked. Kyle stepped forward and got in his face, growling.

"Can it, Cartman," he hissed, "I don't know how yet, but I know you rigged the tests somehow. I should not have gotten paired with you and I know it's your fault!"

Taking a step back, Cartman looked a little intimidated. "Y-You can't prove anything, Jew!" he muttered nervously, "I don't like this anymore than you do!"

Kyle glared at him a moment more before turning and continuing to storm towards the school. After a moment his friends and younger siblings followed.

…

As Craig and his friends (plus Craig's sister, Tricia,) walked towards the school together, Craig couldn't stop himself from glaring at Clyde. How could a computer match him up with Tweek? As if they had anymore in common than Craig did with the blond! He and Tweek should've never taken this stupid test! Then they could've been home making fun of everyone who had to attend this dinner instead of actually attending the dinner!

"I wish we were going to this dance now instead of a dumb dinner," Token complained next to Craig, "Then we could just get it over with and move on with our lives."

"Tell me about it," Craig grumbled.

"I was really hoping I was going to get Nichole, you know?" Token sighed, "Things have been so awkward between us and every time I try to get back together with her the other girls surround her and form like a force field that make it impossible to talk to her without making things super uncomfortable."

Craig came out of his own self-absorbed rage to give a sympathetic glance to his friend. "I'm sorry dude," he said, "Girls can be the worst. They get so territorial and don't realize you want them to fuck off and it's none of their business. Maybe after this is over you could text Nichole and ask to meet her in private."

Token smiled slightly at Craig. "Thanks man," he said, "I think I'll try that. I never even considered it before."

"When you're worried about something you don't always think rationally," Craig told him, "Especially when you're scared. That's why I always tell Clyde and Jimmy some of the dumb decisions in horror movies could make sense. Fear and worry blocks your rational thought."

"Yeah," Token sighed, "And those girls definitely makes things a lot scarier for me."

"Don't worry, Token," Craig encouraged, nudging him gently, "I believe in you." Token smiled gently at him as Craig looked forward again. Now if only his problems with Clyde and Tweek could be solved as easily.

The group arrived at the school at the same time as Stan's group. Craig scowled as he spotted his rival. He really didn't want to do this. And he hated PC Principal for making them do this. He and his friends walked towards them.

"Hey l-look!" Jimmy exclaimed, "There's Nathan, Mimsy, a-and Timmy!" Timmy had gotten Mimsy as a partner. Nathan frowned when he saw Jimmy hobbling over to them.

"We lost Jimmy," Clyde noted.

"Eh, he'll catch up to us later," Token dismissed with a shrug, "I'm personally kind of hoping Bebe got sick and died so I don't actually have to-"

"Token! Yoohoo! Over here!" a high-pitched voice that could've only come from Bebe rang out, "Get over here, hot stuff!"

With a great sigh, Token started to shuffle slowly towards her. "I'll see you guys later," he muttered over his shoulder.

Craig watched him go before turning back to the group and saw his sister strangling Ike for some reason. He walked over and swatted her hands away. "Stop that!" he scolded.

"Come on," Kyle sighed, holding onto Ike "Let's go get this stupid dinner over with." The group mumbled their agreement and headed inside.

The cafeteria where the dinner was taking place had been transformed to look like a fancy-shmancy diner. Clearly, PC Principal and Strong Woman were trying way too hard. There was low lighting and the long cafeteria tables had been switched out for small, round, two-person tables, one for each couple. Each table had been decorated with a fine table cloth, a vase of various flowers, a reserved card bearing the names of the couple for which the table had been set up, and a lit candle for ambiance. It was all very cheesy.

"This is so gay," Stan muttered.

"Watch it, Marsh," Craig hissed at him.

PC Principal and Strong Woman suddenly came out of the kitchen wearing stupid looking fancy outfits and grinning like idiots.

"Welcome students!" the principal greeted, "to the most romantic dinner of your lives!"

Nearly everyone groaned.

 **Eh, I'm gonna end the chapter here. It's been too long since this was updated and I'm sure Night would love to describe how the dinner goes. Please leave a comment and look forward to just how horribly the dinner goes!**


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